A Miscarriage in a Pandemic

Original Journal Entry- April 2020

I hear your heart breaking as the doctor tells you over the phone, "I'm sorry, but the pregnancy isn't viable." I hear the silence inside you while your brain is trying to comprehend these words, begging yourself to wake up from what is obviously a nightmare. In a single sentence, your life has changed from what it was supposed to be…to this.

All you want to do is run to a friend or family member, but the door has become a blockade to a life outside that is no longer one of physical contact and hugs that you so desperately need right now.

You can't go to the hospital because it's currently experiencing an outbreak and your immune system would be compromised. So, you do this by yourself, at home. A D&C was an elective for me so I endured a natural miscarriage at home- alone.

I'm here to tell you I will hold your hand through this. I am with you, because I am you. My body went from holding two hearts down to one—just mine—and it felt like it was barely beating.

I regretted buying the adorable outfit, the soft blanket. I regretted my entire Pinterest board.

I regretted my initial feelings of fear and overwhelm while wondering, What the heck am I going to do? Did I will this to happen? Was I not woman enough to handle a baby? Why would I be given the gift of a baby, only to be taken from me just days before we were going to announce to our families?

Experiencing this while our life is "normal" is hard enough. Experiencing this during the COVID19 pandemic is extreme. Never again will I take for granted the things we deem so common in our day-to-day life like in-person doctor appointments rather than over the phone, a coffee with a friend, a browse through a retail store to get my mind off of things, a hug from someone outside my own home, a smile from a friendly face. These are the incredibly simple things I long for while I am forced to experience this during a time of isolation and social distancing.

Please, mama, do not ignore this stage. Cry, scream, doubt, everything. Just FEEL it. This is the only way we'll get through this period of time. It will be brief in the grand scheme of things, but it felt eternal while I lived it. I'm here to tell you that you are stronger than you think you are. You will survive, and you will come out of this.

I can feel myself reaching the other side of this. Each day I get a bit stronger and the pain dulls a bit more. I am proud of myself; I have been forced to completely submerge myself in this experience, no distractions from the outside world. I am healing on my own, in my own terms and I can take as long as I need without judgment.

We are the one in four and if you add up all of those ones, you will find a group of women from all walks of life, from all over the world who will form the biggest group hug around you. Right now, you are the center of this, and one day you will join the outside circle and wrap another in your love and understanding. Surviving this can come from leaning on the women who have lived this before you and gathering the strength to help the women who are destined to follow after you. It's unfortunate but seems inevitable nonetheless.

It will get easier. Those maternity clothing ads that keep popping up while you scroll through a seemingly endless amount of pregnancy announcements or bump pictures on social media will stop. Pregnant women will warm your heart, rather than crush it. The joy will return, but it will be different and that's okay too. Your appreciation for your body will increase.

Miscarriage is taboo but I believe it shouldn’t be. I think the more I share, the more I process, the more I learn, the better I understand the struggles that so many are facing from infertility to the loss of a child, from adoption woes to broken relationships. There’s this piece in my heart that is missing and instead of trying to fill it with things of this world, I want to share it, in case a piece of yours is sitting vacant. The more I share, the more I realize I am not alone in this pain, in this loss. I am now 1 in 4 and you might be too. Whether you, yourself have been through miscarriage or you know someone who has, I pray that you can just stand by them, grieve with them, and celebrate the life they provided a home for while on this earth!

Please never discount the fact that you were blessed to carry and love a baby for all of it’s days, you are a mom, no matter what society makes you believe. The moment you saw that + on your pregnancy test or celebrated that sweet little babe, you became a momma. The grief and gravity of it all will come in waves. Somedays you will stay afloat, somedays it will suck you in, just know that your baby was blessed to belong to you and someday you will be reunited. Your rainbow will appear after this storm. It may be in the form of another baby or a new hobby you discovered while healing your heart. It could be a newfound love for yourself and your strength or a closer bond with someone else, formed because of this.

The options are endless. - xoxo, Ashleigh Renee